How not to make the child a victim of parental love
It is believed that all parents love their children.
But are we able to truly love and is this love, which are necessary for our children? If these questions seem a bit strange, why do you think parental love is so often a problem? Perhaps because there are too many “impurities” – a sense of ownership, attachment, selfishness, frustration plus a desire to exercise their unrealized ambitions, and even to assert themselves at the expense of the child?
We will try to understand.
The inordinate ambitions
My friend for many years, uses the piano as a dresser. The instrument cover in my memory was not opened even once, and its surface is littered with some vials, jars, tubes, books and magazines.
– Why do you need a piano if no one knows how to play? – once asked my teenage daughter, while visiting this friend.
– I know, – replied the hostess.
– Can I play something?
No, you can’t – strictly replied the landlady, and, after a pause, explained: ‘the fact that I was a child I begged my mother to allow me not to make music, explaining that it “not mine”. But mom insisted that I graduated from music school “for her” because she at the time this was not possible. And then I gave myself a word that after graduation will not sit down at the piano never. Since then it’s been 25 years and I find it fulfilled my promise.
– Why would you choose this piano? Give it to someone!
– In memory. Thanks to him I brought up her children in a completely different way.
I think each of us can easily recall the experiences of his own family or family friends, when parents decide once and for all, how and to what extent they will engage their child, regardless of his interests, nor, nor with health. In the paramount parental ambition ever realized (I went to this school sports, though he walks!), any unrealized (in childhood I dreamed of becoming a figure skater, but did not come to pass, so even if the daughter is engaged!).
Such parents always have an excuse: that will grow thanks again I will say! Indeed, many famous athletes admit that they are grateful to their parents, but almost always add: his children the childhood they wish.
That was better than the others…
Modern parents, driven by their theory of early development, start “to teach life” baby almost from the cradle. He still does not know how to sit, and it is already accustom to the pot. He’s still two words can not say, and teach him the letters and at night read the alphabet. But how such parental behavior and not indicative of whether it is about what is before us – the future “victim”?
So parents should honestly answer two questions: who needs it – the child or themselves, and why? says psychologist Marina Derkach. – Unfortunately, very often the main incentive for the development of the child become the parent of ambition and desire, that it was no worse than others.
“a neighbor’s son in 8 months went, and my – after a year!”, “the Boy in the yard is the Agnya Barto by heart scald, and my only “mom-dad” learned!”, “the Familiar lead his daughter in English, drawing and to the pool, and mine just sits in the sandbox” – to experience such an ambitious mum is very difficult! And it will be from here to eternity, to “get ahead”.
Meanwhile, experts emphasize that the meaning of a child’s development is not that he was better than others and thus gave the opportunity to assert their own parents. And that kid doing, will develop faster than if it were not engaged. Moreover, classes with a small child should be in the form of a game based on the willingness of the child and characteristics of his age.
“I have dedicated my life to! You’re personal life is not built! cries the mother of 15-year-old daughter. – And you’re ungrateful!”
Actually these words mean roughly the following: “I are unable to reveal themselves, failed to save his love and create a happy family. Instead, I chose not the wise, but the way he gave his love to the child. And thus created problems for itself, and it”.
But calling such accusations in the face of the daughter, the mother for some reason doesn’t want to remember that in reality, such sacrifices she has no one asked. And wait for it thanks, and especially to demand the same, as before, submission and full participation in the life of my child is weird.
In short, you shouldn’t leave your life “then on” just because you had a baby. Otherwise that other interests, except the life of the grown-up Chad, you do not, you will have nobody to blame but yourself.
The sense of ownership
“life of mine! I’m her only for himself gave birth to the happiness of the parent to feel!” – lamented friend of mine, upon learning that her daughter was getting married.
Such “mother” are not uncommon, and the older the child becomes, the feelings become more “Mature”. A sense of ownership in such love gradually grows to aggression. It is not surprising that children, feeling it, trying to keep from her mother as possible, but the story does not end there. The mother is not going to give up and begins, for example, “sick”, poisoning the lives of their children complaints and whims for decades!
Often parents due to their strong attachment to the child lose the ability to objectively evaluate his behavior and build a lot of illusions. And then their children become Moody and aggressive, and the parents can not find a common language with them.
If parents are too keen on the idea that the child is their “alter ego”, and not interested in the world of the child, they begin to impose his own worldview. Most often this is in total control, which, again, causes aggression.
Psychologists advise never to treat the child as their property is not a thing, they are not possessive. Yes, children come into this world through us, but they don’t belong.